Saturday, February 02, 2008
Phrases that boil my blood
Isn't our day-to-day conversation so very mundane? Aren't there too many cliched phrases that we use? Well, here are a few of them that make me want to jump off the Nandi Hills each time I hear them..
1. "Phrases that boil my blood":
Oh comeon, hasn't every blogger written about this already? Everyone has a list of such phrases and make no mistake about it, each one calls it "Phrases that boil my blood".
2. "Make no mistake about it":
Just because some moronic American president who cannot tell a washing machine from a computer used it, it's become the catch phrase of every Tom, Dick and Harry.
3. "Every Tom, Dick and Harry":
Now, who ARE these three people who seem to represent everybody in the world? Where are they? Do they also stand for the Rams, Shyams, Geetas and Seetas here? By the way, doesn't this phrase amount to male chauvinism?
4. "Male Chauvinism / Male chauvinistic pig":
Somebody, please tell me the exact meaning of male chauvinism. When is it ok for a girl to call me a male chauvinistic pig or an MCP. For example, when a girl drives on the wrong side of the road with one hand on her mobile, both eyes on the newly opened apparel store and crashes into my vehicle, am I allowed to verbally abuse her or am I an MCP for doing so? And by the way, why is not Microsoft doing anything about this? Are all Microsoft Certified Professionals MCPs?
A conversation that I overheard sometime back,
Girl1: How is married life ya?
Girl2: Terrible ya, my hubby's an MCP. How are you doing?
Girl1: Oh, am doing great. My husband is a sweetheart.
Girl2: Yeah? I am soo happy for you ya.
5. "I am soo happy for you":
You are soo happy for me? Not necessary. I can be happy for me myself. If you want to help, try being sad for me. I can handle the being happy part very effectively.
Next time you want to be happy for me, thanks but no thanks.
6. "Thanks but no thanks":
Thanks but no thanks? Make up your mind. Which one is it? Thanks or no thanks. If you really want to refuse what I am offering to you, be a little more terse. Thanks but no thanks will not work.
7. "hiiiiie, hw r u doin. m doin gr8":
If you really want me to respond to such inane questions (technically, without a question mark it's not a question. But I'll let that pass), I'd really appreciate it if you could make it more legible to me by using hmm.. er.. punctuations and a spell checker. Last I checked, doin was not a word in the English language.
8. "Whose line is it anyway?":
Well, this is not exactly a phrase but since this is the most common TV show that people seem to be watching (as per orkut), it's crept into this list of mine. More than half the people who claim to watch it do not even know on which channel or the time at which the show is telecast. Since everyone seems to like this show, let me say I like it as well. That way I'll sound cool and maybe I can make fraandships with sexy girls. Probably then, I can tell her that she's the best thing that has happened to me.
9. "You are the best thing that has happened to me":
This or variations of this has to be the lamest line ever. If someone ever tells me that I am the best thing that happened to him/her (not very likely, but hypothetically), I'll rip his/her eye balls out with my bare hands. I simply do not understand how someone can happen to someone else. How? Let me know, ok?
1. "Phrases that boil my blood":
Oh comeon, hasn't every blogger written about this already? Everyone has a list of such phrases and make no mistake about it, each one calls it "Phrases that boil my blood".
2. "Make no mistake about it":
Just because some moronic American president who cannot tell a washing machine from a computer used it, it's become the catch phrase of every Tom, Dick and Harry.
3. "Every Tom, Dick and Harry":
Now, who ARE these three people who seem to represent everybody in the world? Where are they? Do they also stand for the Rams, Shyams, Geetas and Seetas here? By the way, doesn't this phrase amount to male chauvinism?
4. "Male Chauvinism / Male chauvinistic pig":
Somebody, please tell me the exact meaning of male chauvinism. When is it ok for a girl to call me a male chauvinistic pig or an MCP. For example, when a girl drives on the wrong side of the road with one hand on her mobile, both eyes on the newly opened apparel store and crashes into my vehicle, am I allowed to verbally abuse her or am I an MCP for doing so? And by the way, why is not Microsoft doing anything about this? Are all Microsoft Certified Professionals MCPs?
A conversation that I overheard sometime back,
Girl1: How is married life ya?
Girl2: Terrible ya, my hubby's an MCP. How are you doing?
Girl1: Oh, am doing great. My husband is a sweetheart.
Girl2: Yeah? I am soo happy for you ya.
5. "I am soo happy for you":
You are soo happy for me? Not necessary. I can be happy for me myself. If you want to help, try being sad for me. I can handle the being happy part very effectively.
Next time you want to be happy for me, thanks but no thanks.
6. "Thanks but no thanks":
Thanks but no thanks? Make up your mind. Which one is it? Thanks or no thanks. If you really want to refuse what I am offering to you, be a little more terse. Thanks but no thanks will not work.
7. "hiiiiie, hw r u doin. m doin gr8":
If you really want me to respond to such inane questions (technically, without a question mark it's not a question. But I'll let that pass), I'd really appreciate it if you could make it more legible to me by using hmm.. er.. punctuations and a spell checker. Last I checked, doin was not a word in the English language.
8. "Whose line is it anyway?":
Well, this is not exactly a phrase but since this is the most common TV show that people seem to be watching (as per orkut), it's crept into this list of mine. More than half the people who claim to watch it do not even know on which channel or the time at which the show is telecast. Since everyone seems to like this show, let me say I like it as well. That way I'll sound cool and maybe I can make fraandships with sexy girls. Probably then, I can tell her that she's the best thing that has happened to me.
9. "You are the best thing that has happened to me":
This or variations of this has to be the lamest line ever. If someone ever tells me that I am the best thing that happened to him/her (not very likely, but hypothetically), I'll rip his/her eye balls out with my bare hands. I simply do not understand how someone can happen to someone else. How? Let me know, ok?
Friday, February 01, 2008
UnReal estate in Bengaluru
Have you tried buying/renting a property in Bangalore? Have you ever thought about the insane rates that people quote? Have you realised that you are short cashed by at least 1 million dollars while doing so? Have you, have you? I have. If you have ever gone about finding out how real the estate is here, you'd have realised that being fingered out of the cricket ground by a Steve "I show the finger always if it is an Indian batsmen because I am a loser who's too old for FIFA and am hence in cricket since ICC does not give a fuck for performance as long as you can fake seriousness on your face and wait for an eternity before giving a batsman out LBW and still declare the ball a wide" Bucknor is easier to digest than this.
On what basis is the worth of a property assigned? What are the rules here anyway? Not everyone is a Mallya.
I am sure that a typical conversation between two builders would go as follows,
Builder 1: machan, I have constructed this apartment just 14 kms from city center and am planning to advertise it.
Builder 2: yeah? super. Where it is?
Builder 1: here wonly, city center. In Devanahalli.
Builder 2: ah cool, why don't you quote a crore for each flat? It must have after all, two bedrooms, one kitchen and one living room no?
Builder 1: O yes it does. But a crore is too much no? I do not want to fleece my customers. Sure it has a swimming pool, a gym, a shopping mall, jogging area, tennis court, a park, children's play area and the Buckingham palace. But one crore? Never. I say 90 lakhs is a fair price. It is after all just 10 minutes from city center.
Builder 2: er.. 10 minutes from which city?
Builder 1: Devanahalli.
Builder 2: Perfect planning ra machan.
Builder 1 decides to go ahead and advertise. He approaches the King Khan to endorse his product. But since the king is busy being Rahul in Karan Johar's upcoming movie Kyunki main closet mein hi rahoonga, he turns the offer down. Next in line is Big B of course. The builder calls up Big B who immediately accepts it and flies down from a temple in the Kailash mountain where he, Jaya and Amar Singh were discussing the plumetting acting career of small B and the fake accent of Aishwarya's. They do a quick photo op and the builder puts it up in FreeAds, Ad-mag, Sulekha Classifieds and also in the most famous advertisements daily, The Advertisements of India (ha!).
An innocent buyer comes across the advertisement and decides to give it a look since it's only 14 kms from city center and just a 10 minute drive. He calls up the builder.
Buyer: Hello, I saw your advertisement in The Advertisements of India and am interested in your offer. I would like to take a look at it.
Builder: Ah yes, saar. Please come. Let's meet in front of the Bangalore City Railway station tomorrow morning at 10:30, ok?
Buyer: Ok.
Cut to next day morning..
Builder: Ah hello hello saar.
Buyer: Hello, good morning.
Builder: Shall we go? It is only 10 minutes from city center saar. We shall go in your car.
Buyer: Sure. Which way?
Builder: Devanahalli saar. Just 10 minutes.
Buyer: What?? hmm.. er.. Ok.
They get into the car. 10 minutes later, after the buyer has successfully got the car out of the parking lot, they're breezing past the city at 15 kmph.
An hour and half later..
Builder: Welcome saar. This is the apartment.
Buyer:Ah yes. The 10 minute drive was, I must say exhilarating.
Builder: It sure was saar. Please come, there are 32 houses in the apartment. 31 are already booked saar. Only 1 is vacant. That too, another customer has promised me that he'll come in the evening and pay a token advance for it. If you want to buy it, you would have to do that before he does.
Buyer: What? I have not even seen the house yet.
Builder: Oh the house is fantastic saar.
Buyer: Show it to me.
Builder: You are standing right in the living room saar.
Buyer: huh? This 10 by 10 dungeon is the living room?
Builder: hmm.. yes. But we have other amenities also saar.
Buyer: Ok. Where are the other amenities.. swimming pool, shopping mall, gym, joggers' track etc?
Builder: Right in front of you saar. Color-color fish swim in it saar. It is also called the aquarium. Each house will get to keep it for a day. The shopping mall is next to the apartment. It is called subbamman angaDi. You get all varieties of vegetables there. And since your house is on the fourth floor, you don't need a gym to keep yourself fit. Climbing up and down the stairs will do saar. That is why we don't have elevators also. Our staircase is multi-functional saar. It also doubles up as the joggers' track. You can run up and down.
Buyer: Oh super. And the board here says that a ll houses are Vaastu complaint. You mean Vaastu compliant, don't you?
Builder: Yes saar, that only. Vaastu complaint.
Buyer: Goddam you.
Builder: So cash or cheque saar?
Buyer: Demand draft. Now, let's go back to the center of our city.
Builder: Sure sir.
And that my friends, is as real as real estate can get.
PS: If you have not already guessed, I am trying to indicate that buying a property in Bangalore is really difficult because I recently bought a flat :)
PPS: No, it's not in Devanahalli nor did it cost me 90 lakhs.
On what basis is the worth of a property assigned? What are the rules here anyway? Not everyone is a Mallya.
I am sure that a typical conversation between two builders would go as follows,
Builder 1: machan, I have constructed this apartment just 14 kms from city center and am planning to advertise it.
Builder 2: yeah? super. Where it is?
Builder 1: here wonly, city center. In Devanahalli.
Builder 2: ah cool, why don't you quote a crore for each flat? It must have after all, two bedrooms, one kitchen and one living room no?
Builder 1: O yes it does. But a crore is too much no? I do not want to fleece my customers. Sure it has a swimming pool, a gym, a shopping mall, jogging area, tennis court, a park, children's play area and the Buckingham palace. But one crore? Never. I say 90 lakhs is a fair price. It is after all just 10 minutes from city center.
Builder 2: er.. 10 minutes from which city?
Builder 1: Devanahalli.
Builder 2: Perfect planning ra machan.
Builder 1 decides to go ahead and advertise. He approaches the King Khan to endorse his product. But since the king is busy being Rahul in Karan Johar's upcoming movie Kyunki main closet mein hi rahoonga, he turns the offer down. Next in line is Big B of course. The builder calls up Big B who immediately accepts it and flies down from a temple in the Kailash mountain where he, Jaya and Amar Singh were discussing the plumetting acting career of small B and the fake accent of Aishwarya's. They do a quick photo op and the builder puts it up in FreeAds, Ad-mag, Sulekha Classifieds and also in the most famous advertisements daily, The Advertisements of India (ha!).
An innocent buyer comes across the advertisement and decides to give it a look since it's only 14 kms from city center and just a 10 minute drive. He calls up the builder.
Buyer: Hello, I saw your advertisement in The Advertisements of India and am interested in your offer. I would like to take a look at it.
Builder: Ah yes, saar. Please come. Let's meet in front of the Bangalore City Railway station tomorrow morning at 10:30, ok?
Buyer: Ok.
Cut to next day morning..
Builder: Ah hello hello saar.
Buyer: Hello, good morning.
Builder: Shall we go? It is only 10 minutes from city center saar. We shall go in your car.
Buyer: Sure. Which way?
Builder: Devanahalli saar. Just 10 minutes.
Buyer: What?? hmm.. er.. Ok.
They get into the car. 10 minutes later, after the buyer has successfully got the car out of the parking lot, they're breezing past the city at 15 kmph.
An hour and half later..
Builder: Welcome saar. This is the apartment.
Buyer:
Builder: It sure was saar. Please come, there are 32 houses in the apartment. 31 are already booked saar. Only 1 is vacant. That too, another customer has promised me that he'll come in the evening and pay a token advance for it. If you want to buy it, you would have to do that before he does.
Buyer: What? I have not even seen the house yet.
Builder: Oh the house is fantastic saar.
Buyer: Show it to me.
Builder: You are standing right in the living room saar.
Buyer: huh? This 10 by 10 dungeon is the living room?
Builder: hmm.. yes. But we have other amenities also saar.
Buyer: Ok. Where are the other amenities.. swimming pool, shopping mall, gym, joggers' track etc?
Builder: Right in front of you saar. Color-color fish swim in it saar. It is also called the aquarium. Each house will get to keep it for a day. The shopping mall is next to the apartment. It is called subbamman angaDi. You get all varieties of vegetables there. And since your house is on the fourth floor, you don't need a gym to keep yourself fit. Climbing up and down the stairs will do saar. That is why we don't have elevators also. Our staircase is multi-functional saar. It also doubles up as the joggers' track. You can run up and down.
Buyer: Oh super. And the board here says that a
Buyer: Goddam you.
Builder: So cash or cheque saar?
Buyer: Demand draft. Now, let's go back to the center of our city.
Builder: Sure sir.
And that my friends, is as real as real estate can get.
PS: If you have not already guessed, I am trying to indicate that buying a property in Bangalore is really difficult because I recently bought a flat :)
PPS: No, it's not in Devanahalli nor did it cost me 90 lakhs.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
The New Age Junta
Back after a year and half! I knew nobody would be waiting, so took my own sweet and succulent time. Yes. I have been busy, have had no time to write and all that jazz that people generally say.
Anyway, I came back so that I could write about this wonderful piece of news that I heard. There is this group of youngsters called The New Age Junta that is creating waves around the country. Born in Pune, Maharashtra, this was a group of 4 boys and 1 girl that until recently was limited to Puneri people wonly. Since October 2006, they have been calling for people from all over the nation. And Bangalore has lent the biggest participation. Their goal is to go around encouraging people to not surrender to a run of the mill software job and instead concentrate on pure sciences and most interestingly, what they call "Mad Sciences". The former is boring. Let's talk about the latter.
Mad sciences they claim involves everything from Dr. Mephisto's (of South Park fame) deeds to sorcery to black magic to mantra and tantra. This is, to say the least, very exciting. One of the members, Rohit Kumar from Bangalore chose to play the mad scientist role. He setup a small laboratory in the garage of his house and started experimenting. He calls it the Garage of misgivings. And in true Mephisto style, he started off by conducting various experiments on a pack of Guinea pigs that he ordered for from the United States. His experiments involved feeding the rodents with weird potions and solutions that he used to prepare and wait patiently for results. He set about doing this sometime in November, 2006 and late last year he saw something very weird. He began to notice that the female rodent had started laying eggs (yes, eggs!). It was very apparent that the rodents had mated and made sweet love. But eggs?
And in about 20 days, the eggs started to hatch and hold on to your breath, he noticed little rodents emerging out of the eggs. Rodents from eggs? Now that's a first. He could not contain his curiosity and waited impatiently to see them grow. They were now his kids. With each passing day, he saw that dad and mom were very keen on taking care of the babies and saw them grow from a few centimeters to the size of an American football. He then had to go out of Bangalore for some work and came back a week later. When he came back, the sight that met his eyes almost killed him. The rodents had mutated to eagles. Huge menacing eagles. And last week one of the eagles flew at him, pecked at him all over his body and killed him.
Everybody there started singing..
neenE saakida guinea, ninnaaa muddina guinea
haddaagi kukkitallO, ninna haddaagi kukkitallO..
And again,
neenE saakida guinea, ninnaaa muddina guinea
haddaagi kukkitallO, ninna haddaagi kukkitallO..
:) Ok, that brings an end to another boring sunday.
Good night fellas.
Anyway, I came back so that I could write about this wonderful piece of news that I heard. There is this group of youngsters called The New Age Junta that is creating waves around the country. Born in Pune, Maharashtra, this was a group of 4 boys and 1 girl that until recently was limited to Puneri people wonly. Since October 2006, they have been calling for people from all over the nation. And Bangalore has lent the biggest participation. Their goal is to go around encouraging people to not surrender to a run of the mill software job and instead concentrate on pure sciences and most interestingly, what they call "Mad Sciences". The former is boring. Let's talk about the latter.
Mad sciences they claim involves everything from Dr. Mephisto's (of South Park fame) deeds to sorcery to black magic to mantra and tantra. This is, to say the least, very exciting. One of the members, Rohit Kumar from Bangalore chose to play the mad scientist role. He setup a small laboratory in the garage of his house and started experimenting. He calls it the Garage of misgivings. And in true Mephisto style, he started off by conducting various experiments on a pack of Guinea pigs that he ordered for from the United States. His experiments involved feeding the rodents with weird potions and solutions that he used to prepare and wait patiently for results. He set about doing this sometime in November, 2006 and late last year he saw something very weird. He began to notice that the female rodent had started laying eggs (yes, eggs!). It was very apparent that the rodents had mated and made sweet love. But eggs?
And in about 20 days, the eggs started to hatch and hold on to your breath, he noticed little rodents emerging out of the eggs. Rodents from eggs? Now that's a first. He could not contain his curiosity and waited impatiently to see them grow. They were now his kids. With each passing day, he saw that dad and mom were very keen on taking care of the babies and saw them grow from a few centimeters to the size of an American football. He then had to go out of Bangalore for some work and came back a week later. When he came back, the sight that met his eyes almost killed him. The rodents had mutated to eagles. Huge menacing eagles. And last week one of the eagles flew at him, pecked at him all over his body and killed him.
Everybody there started singing..
neenE saakida guinea, ninnaaa muddina guinea
haddaagi kukkitallO, ninna haddaagi kukkitallO..
And again,
neenE saakida guinea, ninnaaa muddina guinea
haddaagi kukkitallO, ninna haddaagi kukkitallO..
:) Ok, that brings an end to another boring sunday.
Good night fellas.
Monday, August 21, 2006
Life's like that !
This post is just to ensure that I can go beyond one measly post each time I decide to have a blogspace. This must be the fourth or fifth time I have created an account here. Each time I go through the registration procedure, I try the same bloody User ID that has been gobbled up by yours truly the last time(ok wise guys - the first time, it was not) and blogger.com(henceforth known as b.c) says 'This ID is not available' with an extra line 'You moron' in fine print. I have thus decided to record my password in one of the posts here.
With the cheap jokes out of our way, let's now concentrate on cheaper ones. No, I am not going to talk about Karan Johar's movies. I'll do that some other time. This is about orkut - I am sure most of you would have heard of this friends' network called orkut. I would like the world to know how much I am pained by communities such as 'I hate India', 'Bangalore sucks' and such. I mean, how the hell could they do that ?? Don't they know that creating communities such as 'India is the best', 'Karnataka rules!!' etc is the only known way of attaining salvation ? Yes, Karan Johar's movies will only take you till death. Deeds such as these make you go a step further and mukti it is all the way then on.
The dumbness of these people never ceases to amaze me. How the hell will it matter if there's an anti India community that has been started by a Pakistani. In retaliation, fellow Indians promptly make it a point to refer to the Paki guy's mother, sister, brother, aunt and the next door neighbour in his scrapbook. Greetings used range from fucker to chutiya to mother fucker to every other combination possible. Meanwhile, I keep on getting humble, blood-boiling (with patriotism) messages and scraps to mark those communities as bogus. This sure shot way of glorifying apna Hindustan is cut short when I hit the delete button. Am losing a lot of calories this way, but good! I plan to start a Positive Health Care center too. Talks at the next summit at the UN will be centered around this key factor of achieving world peace. You give us Kashmir, we'll delete these communities say the Paki guys. I think we should agree, at least my delete key will not keep wearing away every 4 minutes.
Be on the look out for that slippery password of mine.
With the cheap jokes out of our way, let's now concentrate on cheaper ones. No, I am not going to talk about Karan Johar's movies. I'll do that some other time. This is about orkut - I am sure most of you would have heard of this friends' network called orkut. I would like the world to know how much I am pained by communities such as 'I hate India', 'Bangalore sucks' and such. I mean, how the hell could they do that ?? Don't they know that creating communities such as 'India is the best', 'Karnataka rules!!' etc is the only known way of attaining salvation ? Yes, Karan Johar's movies will only take you till death. Deeds such as these make you go a step further and mukti it is all the way then on.
The dumbness of these people never ceases to amaze me. How the hell will it matter if there's an anti India community that has been started by a Pakistani. In retaliation, fellow Indians promptly make it a point to refer to the Paki guy's mother, sister, brother, aunt and the next door neighbour in his scrapbook. Greetings used range from fucker to chutiya to mother fucker to every other combination possible. Meanwhile, I keep on getting humble, blood-boiling (with patriotism) messages and scraps to mark those communities as bogus. This sure shot way of glorifying apna Hindustan is cut short when I hit the delete button. Am losing a lot of calories this way, but good! I plan to start a Positive Health Care center too. Talks at the next summit at the UN will be centered around this key factor of achieving world peace. You give us Kashmir, we'll delete these communities say the Paki guys. I think we should agree, at least my delete key will not keep wearing away every 4 minutes.
Be on the look out for that slippery password of mine.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
First post !!
Ok, here goes nothing.
Gear up to venture into the world of nothingness. The first post will be as stale and uninteresting as all the other to-be posts (now, that's a little back to the future types, isn't it ?)
Please don't forget to NOT visit this space because there won't be any updates. However, if I do plan to post another entry, I'll announce it here. So, keep coming back to check for updates.
Thank you, yours boringly,
Raichur.
Gear up to venture into the world of nothingness. The first post will be as stale and uninteresting as all the other to-be posts (now, that's a little back to the future types, isn't it ?)
Please don't forget to NOT visit this space because there won't be any updates. However, if I do plan to post another entry, I'll announce it here. So, keep coming back to check for updates.
Thank you, yours boringly,
Raichur.
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